You are my joy, my delight. And when you are sad, I am sad. I’m not going to leave you in this process. I’ll cry with you; I’ll be still with you, I’ll shine my light for as long as you need. Cling to me as I have been clinging to you. You are my beauty, my darling. Lay in stillness as long as you need. Lay, until you can crawl. Crawl until you can walk. Walk until you can run. And run until you can fly. You are my beloved. You are my chosen.

Your lover,
Jesus

“Why does God heal some people but doesn’t heal others?”  Throughout my Christian walk, I have lost count of the times this question has been asked by others and even myself.  The most typical response given would be to just “trust the will of God.”  In theory, that doesn’t seem like a bad idea. But how do you tell a mother whose teenage daughter just lost her life to a long battle with cancer that she needs to just “trust” the very God who just couldn’t fit her healing in his “will?”

            First and foremost, God’s will is life. Jesus states, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10). He doesn’t limit the life he came to give us as to being only on earth. Which is why while praying for a sick person, it is of vital importance that your heart comes from a place of love. If we are praying for a miracle for someone in an effort to make ourselves look important, what do we do when God doesn’t heal? What if the very reason God has allowed them to become sick is because he loves them so deeply, that he knew it was his only chance at getting their attention?  What if their time on earth is limited, but he still wants to fulfill his promise to them in the spiritual sense and invite them into “paradise” with him?

            With that in mind, we must make a commitment to God to be a reflection of his heart to his people.  The most famous prayer in history was made by Jesus himself when he said, “Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.”  I truly believe that the heart and the will of God is that no man be sick.  Jesus himself interceded for the human race asking God for the same will that is carried out in heaven is carried out on earth.  A story that I so love and have cherished over the years is found in Luke where it recounts the story of a man sick with leprosy approaching Jesus saying, “Lord, you have the power to heal me if you want.”  Jesus didn’t respond with condemnation or act out of obligation, but rather he responded with, “I want to heal you! Be healed” (Luke 5:12).

            After reading this verse, I looked up the meaning of the word “want” in the dictionary.  It states that to want something is “to have a strong desire for.”  Jesus had a pressing desire to see this man set free from the bondage the sickness created.  Jesus didn’t say he “had” to heal, he wanted to.  Benjamin Williams said something at the beginning of our school year that has continued to speak to my spirit.  He said, “You don’t ever have to ask God if he wants to do something” (GSSM).  Jesus commanded us to follow in his example and to “Heal the sick, raise the dead, cure those with leprosy, and cast out demons. Give as freely as you have received” (Matthew 10:8 NLT).  Jesus walked in faith and expectation everywhere he went that people, who desired healings, would be healed.  As Bill Johnson said, “If it matters to you, it matters to him” (VOA).

            Another reason that I believe it’s God’s will to heal is because he desires for us to see the magnificence of his power and glory. While describing how God reveals his glory, Randy Clark states,  “By far, the largest category is miracles and healings where God’s glory is connected thirty times to a demonstration of His power through the working of signs, wonders, and miracles…we could say that the main way God reveals His glory is through signs, wonders, and miracles” (156).  

            God intended heaven to be on earth in his original creation.  He envisioned walking side by side with us and allowing us full access to every part of him.  His will did not include cancer, sore throats, stiff backs, broken hearts, and blind eyes.  Which would leave one to assume that his will also did not originally involve healing crusades, intercessor meetings, the laying of hands and the invention of Tylenol PM.  I believe that his will changes based on our needs.  Our ancestors made the decision in the garden to open their eyes, spiritually and physically, to an entirely different realm than we were originally created for. Satan was given legal access into our spirits and our bodies.  God is a good and fair God and he gave us the gift of our own free will and the ability and power to change our minds and plans.  God doesn’t give us anything that he doesn’t have himself. 

A mystery not yet solved is why God allows sickness and distress to fall on his people.  With the swipe of his hand, every afflicting spirit and disease could be cast back into hell.  But yet thousands are dying daily. I can’t help but wonder if we, his kingdom residents, are that hand.  Jesus came here with the authority from heaven to cast out demons, heal the sick and raise the dead and he passed that authority down to us.  He even prophesied that we would outdo his miracles with the power given to us. “I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father” (John 14:12 NIV). Could it be that we are spending precious time begging God for something that he has already given us? The power over sickness and darkness. It’s been said that” a prophecy is not a promise, but a potential” (Mast, GSSM). Perhaps the church as a whole has yet to walk into its potential and claim back the power over our bodies that the enemy has attempted to steal.  We need to step into our potential so that we may become a promise of God’s good, pleasing, and perfect will.

Since my journey at GSSM started this year, I’ve witnessed literally hundreds of supernatural miracles of healing. I, myself, was actually healed of a chronic shoulder problem that I’ve had for over 15 years.  I believe and have been witness to healings, signs, and miracles through God.  But this story, the supernatural healing of my depression, will be one I will never forget, because I truly believe it has forever changed my life.

About 3 months ago, I was sitting in a conference meeting at school being held by a man named Will Hart. He was doing ministry time and praying for people using what we call, “Words of Knowledge” which is basically like an impression one gets that gives you supernatural insight in to how to pray for another person as found in 1 Corinthians 12:8 (I would go into more detail explaining it, however it would take far too long.)

Normally during these sessions, you hear a lot of needs for physical healings.  My need for a healing was not one that was physical, or so I thought.  I began praying with a lady who attended the conference and I suddenly heard Will say, “I feel there is someone here who has bulimia and God wants you to receive your healing tonight for it.” As he spoke the words, my physical body felt as though a huge wave poured over me and the room started spinning. I generally have an ability to keep my composure in the times I feel overwhelmed by the spirit of God, but I had a hard time making a complete sentence for a few minutes.

Over the next passing weeks, I began to pray and ask God for deliverance from depression.  I have been on antidepressants for over 6 years and even though I didn’t physically feel depressed, the thought of coming off such a strong drug left me fearful.  If I missed a days dosage, my body would begin having strong internal brain “zaps” and it would be almost impossible for me to get out of bed.  Not to mention, without insurance, the cost of my medication was over $300 a month.

About a month and a half ago during another school event.  I began to feel strongly the release from God to stop my medications. I went up to a peer for prayer and she prayed for healing and commanded the chemicals in my brain to come into kingdom alignment. As she spoke those words, it was like electricity started going crazy inside my brain.  My entire head got hot and there was this constant feeling of activity around it. Without even having to ask God what was happening, I heard him say, “I’m healing you.”

After that night, I began cutting my dosages in half and used the next month to wean myself completely off my medications.  I cannot begin to put into words the joy I have felt since I began this journey.  I realized that the anti-depressants not only suppressed sadness, it also suppressed happiness and joy.  It’s like every emotion has come to life. I feel like I can love better, laugh more authentically, and care genuinely. 

It brings me to tears to think about how God cared enough to speak to other people about wanting to heal me.  The fact that he knows my name and saw so deeply into my heart leaves me speechless.  The grace that he so freely gave me while going through this process is priceless.  It truly is a miracle that I am completely freed from something that I began to accept as just a part of my life.

This story is just a stepping stone. A prophetic movement in my life to make a way for the good things that are about to step in.  He satisfies my desires with good things. He knows my name. He sets me free.

It’s interesting how our identity plays such a key role in how we go about our lives.

I used to wake up every single morning with a paralyzing fear that I was going to mess up that day. That my struggles were going to get the best of me.  I was afraid that the day would end with me putting myself to bed in sheets of guilt and prayer that tomorrow would be easier.

You see, my identity and the way I saw myself painted each day for me before the sun even rose.  I use to think that I was a sinner saved by grace.  But now I’ve realized that I’m a daughter of God, sustained by grace.  Christ didn’t walk this earth and die his death because we are sinners.  He did it because we were never intended to be sinners. Our original being and creation was to be among the heavens.

Pardon me if this sounds a little too cheddar for cheese, but I actually enjoy waking up now.  I no longer lie in bed and pray for strength and hope I get it right.  I find so much excitement and joy being and living as a daughter.  A daughter that has heaven accessible at my fingertips. God makes me laugh, makes me sit in peaceful silence, and has taught me to love every aspect of who I am. 

I feel that the only comparison I could make would be to compare him as being my bridegroom.  It’s like I am at my own wedding and my heart is overwhelmed with joy and anxious anticipation for what my future holds with my groom. 

Gosh, I just love being in love.

            What is the voice of God?  Webster’s Dictionary defines the word “voice” as, “a : sound produced by vertebrates by means of lungs, larynx, or syrinx;  b: wish, choice, or opinion openly or formally expressed.”  If, by definition, a voice is produced by human organs and functions, how are we able to hear the voice of something that is beyond human form and not physically tangible?

I believe that the voice of God is one of the greatest mysteries and hurdles that each individual struggles with at some point in their life.  I have personally sat through numerous sermons and messages regarding God’s voice and how to decipher what is his and what isn’t. Is his voice audible? What does it sound like? Does it resemble the voice of Mufasa from “The Lion King?”  I’ve been told that it will sound like my father’s voice, my mothers, a pastor, or a person of leadership in my life.  In the Bible, we see examples of God speaking to people through a burning bush, angels, a donkey, a hand writing on a wall, etc.  I have yet to experience such powerful encounters, but that certainly cannot mean that I do not hear from God as well.  It wasn’t until recently that I’ve realized that God’s voice isn’t one that has a certain tone or is limited to just one way of expression.  His voice “is sensed as spontaneous thought, idea, word, feeling, or vision” (Virkler, 4 Keys 10).

As humans, our voices aren’t just limited to the sound that is produced when we speak.  Our voices are heard and translated through song, writing, emails, text messaging, and even through looks.  Those are all ways we can get our voice across that are within human abilities. So how much more can God use his voice when he is without limit?

            Children are born into this world with a limited understanding of words, sounds, and gestures.  A newborn is unable to ask for milk using words if it’s hungry.  In the same concept, the newborn’s mother spends hours every day speaking directly to her child, but the child is unable and incapable of understanding any of it.  She can ask the baby to smile for days and nights on end, but until the baby is trained and begins to see a pattern with the word “smile” and the shape the mother’s mouth takes when she speaks, it will remain a mystery.  Eventually, the child will grow and begin to mimic sounds and words and will then get to a point where he or she will converse openly with their mother.  I love this picture because I truly believe that God created this natural process of growth to represent how we grow to understand him as our father.  At first his voice may just seem like sounds with no real meanings, maybe a hook to a song that gets stuck in our head or an impression of someone when we meet them. Only after we try to listen, do we soon begin to recognize the similarities between what God is doing or wants to do in our lives with those moments or thoughts.

Just like learning another language, we have to have intention when we go before God.  We have to be willing to set aside our business in life and intentionally focus on learning to recognize his voice and spirit.  Psalm 62:5 says, “My soul, wait in silence for God only.”  Wait.  In Psalm 27:14 it says, “Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.”  Again, we are instructed to wait.  The author of those psalms, David, was known as being a man after God’s own heart, which would imply that he was in flow with what God was saying and doing in and around him. He understood and practiced the concept of waiting for the Lord.  

Mark Virkler made a simple way to understand what exactly it means to wait.  He suggested, “Removing all outer noise” and “removing inner noise” (Virkler, 4 Keys 16). To remove outer noise would be to turn off our cell phones, computers, etc. and to make sure we are in a quiet and comfortable place.  God loves stillness in his children because it gives them a sample of his peace. In 1 Kings 19, we are reminded of his gentleness when Elijah fled from Jezebel and had an expectation to hear from God.  Verses 11-12 says, “Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.” God doesn’t always present himself in earth shattering ways and loud audible voices.  He comes in the silence. He comes in the peace.

Jamie Galloway spoke on his personal practice on waiting for the Lord.  He said that he will literally lie on his floor and just meditate on a specific verse or promise God has given him.  Then he just allows his inner voice to be silent.  At first, our inner voice will not want to be silent and will have to be trained.  But eventually, with diligent intention, our inner voice will lay itself aside and our hearts will be able to spiritually pick up on God’s voice.

The bible says that “there is nothing new under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 1:9).  There isn’t a shortcut or a Rosetta Stone program that teaches us to understand and hear the voice of God by practicing just 5 minutes a day.   It takes intention and desire.  God promised us that if we ask for bread that he will not give us a stone (Luke 11).  In the same love and desire to know us, if we ask for his voice, he isn’t going to remain silent.  We must just keep pressing in.

I’ve been neglecting writing here not because I don’t have anything to share, but because I have so much that I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. In the last two and a half months my life has been warped and rocked that there are no words to explain where my heart is now.

My decision to attend Global School of Supernatural Ministry has been the absolute best decision I have made in my life thus far.  For the first time in my life, I finally feel like I make sense. I finally feel like I am walking into my destiny and not constantly searching and striving to get it right. For the first time, I am seeing God actually moving and working through me for me and for others. His faithfulness and love is just so sweet and tender that I am constantly finding myself in awe.

The greatest thing I am discovering is how clearly I hear his voice. I have lived constantly second guessing myself and feeling like I need to “perform” for God to speak to me. I never realized that my thoughts are often times his thoughts.  Our class took a trip to the inner streets in Baltimore, which is one of the most violent places in the US today.  The day before the trip, I had no desire to go. I was tired, sick, and just felt “dry.” The thought of staying home from the trip and spending the week feeling sorry for myself seemed much more appealing at the time. I didn’t feel like I had anything to offer.  The amazing thing about God is that he doesn’t expect us to always feel ready or able, he just wants us to be willing.  So I went hoping that God would still deem me worthy of ministering to people. Two instances stand out to me during that trip because I was amazed how God was able to use me. 

There was a girl that joined us who’s name is Kate.  I kept spiritually seeing the name “Mary” on her so I asked God what that meant. He gave me this picture of Kate and how her nature and gifts can be compared to the virgin Mary.  I kept wanting to share this with Kate, but I honestly just felt stupid.  Finally one night, I went up to her and shared it.  After doing so, she shared with me that her real name is indeed, Mary.

That same night, we had a church service and people came up to us for prayer. An older lady came up to me and just said she needed prayer and didn’t want to share why. So as I began praying, she held my hands. I began to feel my hands get extremely hot and the lady started shaking as if she was being electrocuted. She fell over and continued shaking on the floor. Thankfully, being at Global I have seen enough people experience the presence of God in a similar manner, so I knew she was okay.  I knelt down beside her and decided to just start speaking over her.  As I began talking I started to say things that I hadn’t planned on saying or even understood.  For a split second I began to think to myself to stop talking because I didn’t want to embarrass myself. I ignored it and kept talking.  None of it made sense. I started talking about her children and grandchildren and how I saw her bringing her family together and bringing them to God regardless of how they feel about her and God. Again, she hadn’t shared anything with me prior, so I prayed to God that I was hearing from him.  After a while she began to calm down and was eventually able to sit with me.  She then asked how I knew about her family because all her children and grandchildren are upset with her for beginning to go to church and it has caused division between them.  I was again floored, not with my ability to “know” this, but with God’s willingness to trust me with her story and his desire to use me to minister to her.

A few weeks later my class attended a conference called “Voice of the Apostles.” Our school father, Randy Clark, was the main speaker along with Bill Johnson, Georgian Banov, Heidi Baker, and some other great disciples.  Our school was the ministry team and one morning we went through and prayed for the few thousand people that were there.  I couldn’t believe the number of people that would fall over, shake, or get filled with laughter as soon as my hand would touch them. My only thought was, “God what are you doing?”  Leading up to the conference, I had been using my eating disorder regularly to be honest and at least 3 times a day.  So to say that I felt like the least likely person to make an impact on someone else would be an understatement.

After the service, I found myself asking God why. Why me? Why is he using me when I am clearly not living in my destiny?  I’ve lived believing that unless I am recovered, I cannot be used. But God turned my question around and asked me why. I’m his daughter. A father doesn’t  exclude his daughter in family activities just because she doesn’t feel or act like the others. His heart spoke to me clear as day, “Look at what my power did through you for others. How much more can I use you when you aren’t preoccupied with fighting the devil’s plan for you and just walking in mine?”

I’m not sharing any of this to make myself look good whatsoever. I’m sharing it because I truly believe that I am not the only one that is “waiting” to get it together for God to use me. When God gives a gift, he doesn’t have any strings attached to it. When God gave us authority over creation and the world on the 6th day, he didn’t say, “but only if you…yadda yadda yadda…” We still have authority. I still have authority. 

I have not been the same daughter since that day God loved on me and said that I’m never to far gone for him to use me. It was like when I realized that I am a daughter and not an orphan, the devil’s plan just fell to the side. It’s been a month and I haven’t found myself using bulimia or any other self destructive behaviors because I’ve seen my father’s heart. I’ve seen his love and passion for me and I don’t want to see it grieved because he has a daughter that can’t see her own beauty and purpose.  My heart to repay him with everything I have. My heart is to live in purpose, on purpose.

I’m not impressed with egos.

It’s amazing to me how God is giving me new thoughts, eyes, ideas, dreams, and ways of thinking since I have been here.

I’ve always known that there is more. There is so much more to God than what the Bible gives us. The Bible is just an appetizer, designed to entice and create a new hunger within us for what is about to come.

I’ve also always known that I am meant for so much more. So much more than what the church has offered and deemed as “enough” for God. We had a conference called the “Living Jesus” conference at our school and one of the speakers was Will Hart.  I was so moved and convicted by his story, his passion, and his drive for more of God. I saw myself in him. He’s such a simple man that could have very easily settled for being just a church member and family man that volunteered at church events. There is no “special” anointing on his life that God gave only to him. He sought after it, he spent years of prayer to get the gifts and annointings that he has. He spoke so fervently about his desire to see more Christians step out of the church and go and actually change the world. For the first time I realized, that’s me. I can do that. I can actually make a change. I want so much more than for my time here at school to be my glory years. I’m not here for selfish gain, I’m here to get equipped to tackle the kingdom Satan has built and begin adding to the kingdom of God.

A few days after I had this revelation, our school director, Max Meyers, publically acknwledged my struggle with bulimia and thanked me for being open with it because it had given others the strength to be open about their own struggles with food. He called everyone up in class and he prayed and laid hands on each one of us for healing and freedom from the power satan has used with food against us. A few class members approached me and thanked me for my openness. I’m telling this story because for the first time I truley saw the promise of Genesis 50:20 fulfilled in my own life. God took back the power.  My spirit was at peace. My spirit was beyond thankful. I felt so loved and cherished.

What’s interesting to me in all of this is that the next day, I woke up battling severe depression again.  This last week was one of the hardest I have had in a while. I felt so disconnected, so lost, and hopeless. I fell even deeper into my struggles and found myself sobbing every night asking God if it would ever end. Will I ever, ever see even a glimpse of recovery? How could I go from feeling like I could do anything with Christ to feeling like everything was all a lie?

Then I realized, this is just confirmation. I am such a threat to the enemy and the moment  actually saw the power that has been given to me through Christ, satan panicked and attacked me in a way that had proven to be successful in the past. God broke those walls the enemy tried to rebuild once again. How amazing is that?  Friday night was part of the “Furious Love” conference at school. I was praying for a lady there while others were praying and worshiping and the Holy Spirit was really moving healing people While praying, Will Hart said, “I feel like there is someone here struggling with bulimia and I command you to be healed in the name of Jesus. That spirit is broken off from you.” As he said it, I felt my entire body almost collapse and shift. It took everything I had to try to stay focused on what I was praying for with the lady. I know she noticed something because she kinds opened her eyes and looked at me.  I couldn’t help but laugh.

Isn’t it amazing how God works? Oh, how he loves us.

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.